between me and my dreams

I get confused quite often. Confused about what I’m doing, why I’m here, if I am happy or is there something missing…

Guess I’m not the only one. Not wanting to be bold, but it seems to me that most of the world – at least the Western world as I know it – is confused like I am. Maybe even worse.

But happiness – true, genuine, intrinsic happiness – isn’t something external, achievable, is it? I’ve talked with happy people. They say that they are happy – they have their life, job, dream home, dream spouse, children, hobbies – whatever. But something makes me think that they were actually happy before. They are not happy because they have a home / spouse / children / dogs / money. I’d rather say they have all those things / people in their lives because they are happy. But some of them would be equally happy, sleeping naked under the desert sun or wrapped in the rain forest leaves…

And I wonder what kind of brain chemistry makes people like that. I’d really love to have that pill!

A few days ago I got really fed up with sadness. What am I doing, I thought, wasting my time and energy on something that doesn’t depend on me? I should project my thoughts and hopes into positive, rewarding actions. Do what you love, and do it often.

But sometimes it’s not easy to see what it is you love while you’re just filled up with shadows. Everything seems dark and hopeless. You know that you have to keep it light, but it keeps coming back and drowning you again.

So out of the bottom of that well I cried out for help. To whom? I think it doesn’t matter, really; that in the end everything that we could possibly cry out to is just a projection of our own minds. But funnily enough, this strange way of talking to your imaginary alter ego sometimes works for good.

I asked to be relieved of the sadness. I chose to let go. I chose not to cling to the reasons any more; and it opened my eyes.

Over the next days I just stumbled upon things and discoveries that made me see the brighter side of life. I got ideas; I got hope, confidence, inspiration…

It seemed like I had been standing in the shadow, and just one step took me to the light. My mind was cleared. And I wasn’t running to the light completely… I wanted to stay on that border, embraced by both light and darkness. To love myself as I am, to turn my weaknesses into strength and courage. By pulling myself mentally completely back from the outer world, I discovered an intrinsic balance I’d never encountered before. A balance free of fear, but full of curiosity. And all that because I had just asked. Why hadn’t I taken this one step before?

Sometimes happiness is just a question away…